“Hey, do you know what is the most romantic thing to do?”
“What?”
“What we are doing now,” I whispered.
We both laughed bitterly and dryly under the sky with shining stars scattered all over. It was funny enough for us to tear for it; it was sad enough too for us to tear for it, but none of us had the courage to do so. We were like participating in a competition, in which we absolutely did not want to lose to each other. While continuing her emulative sarcastic laugh, my opponent, who stood beside me, stepped a fewsteps behind, and then sat on the floor. Without the need to look at her face hiding under the black hood, I immediately knew that she was staring at the culpable night sky. I chose to copy her movement, sitting toward the small silhouette of hers.
It had been numerous nights since we met and watched the stars together. However, I only knew alittle, or nearly nothing about her. She was a traveler before coming to this stargazing tower. The black cloak with the hood covering her head always made her look like a ghost half melting into the darkness. Since she was almost a head shorter than me; I guessed she was a few years younger than me. However, I certainly could not confirm that she was around fifteen years old just by looking at her height. Unfortunately, her voice could not help as a hint; it was somewhat high for a boy, but somewhat low for a girl. That was why it was hard to tell her gender too. The only reason I assumed her to be a girl was that the picture of me staying with a girl seemed better than having two guys staring at each other the whole night. Of course, I did not tell her about my guesses.
Besides, there was still one thing that I knew clearly about her – clear enough to call it as a fact.
We did not like each other.
I did not like her, and she did not like me. Just like everything was predecided, we made that consensus right after our first meeting, when asking each other the reason to come up to this remote stargazing tower. I still remembered how I spent minutes telling her that my father was the manager of the place, which was actually true. Nonetheless, the next second after my explanation, she penetrated the superficial excuse and did not believe me. Indeed, she was right. The little fact did not equal to the reason of coming here. The invisible pressure from her forced me to tell the whole unbelievable story, and in exchange, she returned a story. Only by that time, I discovered that our answers were so nonsensically opposite, yet ridiculously similar.
Both of us were born under the cursed special stars. Dead Star, it was the name of the star that corrupted my whole life. My father used to tell me how the star with the absurd name shone like a huge diamond when I was born, though I knew that I could not even borrow a little from its brightness and share it with my future. Anyway, to put it in short, the next time when the same star rose, I would die within a day.
On the other hand, for the ghost-like person, or the girl, the problem was on a star named the Living Star. When the Living Star, which supposed to rise every night, failed its task in the sky, it would be her time of death, she said.
That was the reason I came to my father’s stargazing tower every night. That was the reason she visited this stargazing tower in the middle of nowhere every night. That was the reason that brought us to the top of this stargazing tower every night, looking for our stars.
“I want to know when I will die,” I told her.
“I want to know when I am alive,” she told me.
After we heard the reasons from each other, our first reaction was to scoff at it. I argued that there was no need to feel alive by gazing at a star that just rose every night like every other normal star. She claimed there was no point to sentence my death by chasing a star that I did not even remember how it looked like. Our endless conflict began since the night.
Until this day, we still held the same opinions; none of us made any concession. That was why we could never really get along.
Nonetheless, we still chatted with each other, because life up here was too boring; it was one of the ways we used to eliminate the loneliness. Sometimes I would also secretly look for her star. My star, if it appeared, would be the shiniest star in the sky, so it would not be hard to find it even when I looked to other directions. Her star was different; its light was so dim that it was almost not there. There was one time that she pointed the star out for me, and I spent quite a while until I eventually saw the weak purple light hanging on the universe above us. It was a weird star in many ways. Althoughit was so hard to be seen, if we tried hard, we still could see it despite how bad the weather was, as if it was telling us that we could never escape the shackles from the stars.
We sat and watched the star until the first stroke of sunshine finally appeared. Nothing happened, and we were used to it. I opened my mouth, letting the winter white vapor come out from my mouth.
“Hey, did you hear that we are having a shooting star tomorrow? I mean, today?”
She stood up from theground, showing indifference.
“How many?”
“Just one,” I answered.
She did not reply; I guessed she had totally no interest in it. That was how I felt when my father told me the news. The falling of a random star was not special. I could notremember if I had seen any shooting star before, but definitely not after she joined my stargazing. We had been observing the stars together for too manynights; we were almost sick of it. It was a pity that what was worth looking forwere our cursed stars.
Our only hopes were the stars that decided our destiny.
*
The night for the shooting star was extremely cold.
“Hey, do you know? Sometimes I have the idea that…”
After lying on the ground for quite a while, I started to say something. Even though it was freezing out here, I could not guarantee if I would fall asleep. I did not know how she could lie down silently and not fall asleep without doing anything. She must bemore tired than I was, because she had to keep confirming where her Living Star was with her naked eyes. The great determination was necessary for her to makesure that she was alive, but was the whole process really necessary?
None of us mentioned the shooting star on this day. If a random shooting star represented our hope, we had perhaps already given upon seeking for hope. What was really important was our present, and how we spent the remaining time. Unfortunately, I could not even finish my previous proud proposal, which I planned to start the nightly conversation, as she interrupted it.
“You have the idea that you wish you can jump down from the tower to the grassland down there and die so that you don’t have to worry about when you will die with that smashed body. You basically say that stupid idea every night.”
“I did not say that every night.”
“You did.”
“See, when it rains, I say ‘I wish I could jump down from the tower to the water down there and drown; and when it snows, I say ‘I wish I could jump down from the tower to the snow down there and be buried by the snow.’”
That was what we did, and what our life was about. Stargazing every night, no matter which kind of weather.
“They are basically the same disgusting ideas.”
There was a strong disgust towards me from the tone of her quick conclusion. It drew my attention back to the person lying beside me. If I were able to see her face hidden in the darkness, it would definitely be a face with rolling eyes, I guessed.
I extended my arms high up to the sky, pretending to pick the stars. The low temperature made my fingers tremble, but at least it was not snowing. Perfect weather for watching shooting star, just kidding, perfect weather to look at all the stars on the sky. Twinkle twinkle littlestars, shining like the resplendent tears on the sky. Beautiful yet merciless. I had never learned to recognize which star was which, except for her star.
“Seriously, why are you not dead?” She asked.
That was a question that I sometimes asked myself too. Nobody knew it more than I did. If there were someone that could have the same answer as mine, then it must be her. I tried to draw a smile on my face.
“The same answer as why you are alive,” I answered.
Because our stars still worked normally as usual.
I did not know when they would stop working. The next meeting? After this winter? Three years later?Many years after when we became old people? Or did we have to wait here nightby night forever?
We were only the humans waiting for death and life.
“Hey,” I tried to call her.
“What?” She questioned impatiently.
“I wish I could just die by starving here.”
“If you are hungry, go and get food downstairs, you son of stargazing tower.”
“But I don’t want to go all the way down to get food…” I replied.
Of course she would never help me to do something like going inside for me. Our dislike towards each other was the primary rule; nothing could pass the line. I searched for her Living Star again. The small light point was still staying at the far edge of the sky, releasing the weakest light I had ever seen. Why could I not tellstraightly that she was alive, right beside me? Why did we all need to look at the star in order to tell it?
I lowered my finger; it covered the tiny purple star. It was really easy to block it, wasn’t it?
“Hey…”
“What? You are stranger than usual. Stop calling me so many times.”
“Have you heard of the legend about shooting star?”
Finally, I squeezed the sound from my body and raised the topic of the shooting star, although I thought it was kind of useless. However, for some reason, I felt that I should not miss the useless opportunity. We were weak enough anyway. At least we should have the freedom to enjoy every opportunity.
“…The one that says ashooting star means someone’s death?” She was a little confused.
“Not that one, although it might be true if the one falling is your star,” I explained, trying to remove the unnecessary feelings from my tone. “I meant the saying that it makes a wish come true.”
“What are you trying tosay?”
“Nothing. Just suddenly remembered it…sort of…” I looked away from her, though I knew she was not even looking at me.
The girl did not answer.
“The name of this coming shooting star is Miracle,” I added with a sense of guilt, which I did not know where the guiltiness came from.
No answer from her again.
“…What I am trying to say is, wouldn’t it be nice if we can make a wish to the shooting star?”
Initially I wanted toask what would she wish to the shooting star, but I thought it would be a silly question. There was a gasp in the cool air, then followed by a complete long silence. When I almost gave up waiting for the response, the voice appeared beside me, which was even weaker than the light of the Living Star.
“Why?” She asked.
“Because we are superstitious,” I smiled bitterly at the sky. I did not know how many expressions like this I had made in my life. Countless times. Nonetheless, it would probably be the first time for me to be so honest.
“Because we still have the ability to believe. Because we are still alive. Because we…”
My voice became weaker and weaker, almost similar to hers, and I was not able to continue it.
A dazzling shootingstar fell through the sky, almost cutting the sky into half before I ran out of any of the reasons. Miracle. If there was one moment that I wanted to save formy entire life, it must be this moment.
“Did you see that?” My voice was almost dried.
“Of course, my eyes were born for stargazing, same as yours,” she said with full sarcasm.
“Were you able to make a wish?”
Our time froze in the cold moment. I wondered what kind of expression was on her face.
“Of course.”
Her unique neutral voice was surprisingly soothing. Perhaps I had been hoping she could return that answer; that would explain why I still wanted to talk about the shooting star when I had given up to make a wish for myself. She continued speaking; the words imprinted deeply one by one onto my soul – if I had any.
“Since I hate you and your opinions so much, I made a wish to make that Dead Star never come up. So you will shut your mouth and never talk about the boring worries of death.”
The words told in flat tone brought my mind into blank. I had to spend a few seconds to think about what she had just said. It was not easy to digest, like a piece of frozen chocolate that was hard to melt. After finally realizing what happened, I covered my face withmy hand. In this way I could not see anything, including the stars.
Then, I started to laugh crazily, using all the energy I saved for the later night. The echo of my laughter resonated in thedarkness decorated by the star pieces.
It was now the turn for the girl, who told me an unpredictable answer, to be shocked by my mad action. She must be so confused, and did not know what to think at this point. With my body curling on the floor, I faced the dark shadow of hers. My stomach hurt, but there was something that Ineeded to tell her. I put my hand back to the floor, and licked my lips, trying to adjust my breath from the laughter.
“…I should have known it…I made a wish too…You know what? Because I hate you and your action so much, I made a wish to let that whatever Living Star to hang on the sky forever. So I won’t have to see you looking for that micro star like a lost child!”
Even though we both knew it was useless.
We still did it, forthe person that accompanied us for every night’s stargazing.
The small body began tomove – it curled like mine. She was laughing, as crazily and as hardly as I did. We all laughed together for such a long time, I did not know during that time if my star had risen, or her star had fallen or not. The only thing I knew was that I laughed so badly and it caused tears to flow out from my eyes and travel along my face.
“Nothing is going tochange, right?” She rubbed her eyes under the hood.
“Maybe,” I said. “But maybe our wishes will come true too.”
“And if they come true…”
“We probably will never die.”
I nodded.
“What is this?” She complained. “I don’t like this ending.”
“I agree, but if wehave to choose one, it will definitely be…”
“The second one,” we both said it at the same time.
At least living forever would give us the time that was long enough to look for another shooting star to make another wish. In the worse case that the wishes did not come true, we would still need to stay at this stargazing tower every night to continue ouroriginal missions.
“That’s why I said nothing is going to be changed.”
“I will prepare food and drink for tomorrow night.” I shrugged.
She scoffed at it.
And also, there was one new possibility added that the star we were looking for would be the same one –I was sure that she knew about it too. We were still superstitious.
“You better be excited for it.”
“Why?”
“Who knows, maybe because stargazing is the most romantic thing to do,” I told my companion in my softest voice.